Livin Life

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

what a night

so I finally told my friend in New York I was going to start dating and she cried got mad and hung up on me. I hate it. life is supposed to be fun. I want friends to hang out with and I want to start living again. i realized i do love her but I have never met her in the flesh. she is married. she is seperated and says there is only a 7% chance she will go back to her husband. where will that leave me? after leaving my girlfriend of almost 7 years i realized i was not honest in m,y feelings. the first person i really opened myself up to was my friend g in new york. now i wonder if i really should have... she told me last night she did not realize how much i meant to her until it was all threatened by a date.... she said she felt like she was loosing me... but my feelings for her are very deep. not only in a friendship way but a lovers way as well.... how do i make the feelings go aways when now i wonder if my feelings really are fro the heart or if they are just a fantasy.... i could see myself loving her forever... but is it really fair for both of us... is it fair for me to ask her to leave evertything she knows and has lived for... for me... no not really... because it is just me...

Monday, June 05, 2006

Monday, Hell day

This weekend was an interesting one.... I wonder when it will be that I will get to be with who I want... I got invited to go to pride this weekend but I could not bring myself to go.... I guess when it comes to things like that I am not quite ready.... That is a big step for me.... I have so many thoughts today... I wish I could make them all go away. especially the part that I give my heart to those I become attached to and I know it is wrong.... My friend from New york lets call her "g" well i have this feeling she will go back to her husband... should I be suprised? no but am i a little hurt? yes.. I opened myself up to her and I know I shouldn't have... I should have been more gaurded... why does it always happen like this.... Oh well....
So tomorrow night I have a date... I am takin her to the mountains for a picnic... I hope she likes it... I guess with her we will see. I need to make a few friends and not get attached to just one and enjoy life... but that is very new... that is something I will have to work on....

Friday, June 02, 2006

So here it is a new day and I purchased my plane ticket to see my friend in New york and Texas. I am way excited yet way nervous at the same time... This is however my birthday present to myself this year. my ex-girlfriend called me yesterday and wanted me to take her to vegas for my birthday and I was like hell no..... when I told her where I was going it made her mad. but oh well we are no longer together.... she will just have to get over it. I gonna have fun........ it is time to live for me.....
So I am supposed to go to pride this weekend.... it will be interesting considering I have never been to anything like it before.... I am going with this way hot girl though. we went out once.... I had a ton of fun.....
My sis told me last night that she thinks before I get into another serious relationship that i have to date a man at least once. I laughed and said whatever....
yesyerday my computer I bought offically got shipped out. I can't wait to get it then i can blog at home....

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Today is tomorrows yesterday

My relationship is over... and I couldn't be happier... I have felt so lost until now. I never knew life could feel so good... Dating is great. However only having one date to base my feelings on being single is not much to go off of. I met someone online... I wondered why it was I had stong feelings for her... but things are changing more for the negative. The jealousy of me talking to others is really getting to me... I was in a controlling relationship. I don't want another one like that.... If they only knew I was dating others shit would hit the fan. The girl i had my first official date with is great. she is cute-- hot actually and her personality makes me smile. I have not had that in so long.. I have another friend I met online and she is the greatest. I can be me with her and she still accepts me for who I am. I could never ask for a better friend... I will write more later as for now I must work.... but thank you friend... you have helped me to see the light of so many things....